The Wandering Deity's World

I don't know about you people, but the moment I met the BF in person when he came to meet me last December, I knew in my heart our love is for real, albeit everything simply started online. There were apprehensions at first, which was normal I guess, but my strong conviction that our relationship is going to lead to something great despite of the many obstacle an online relationship has to beat, was confirmed when my good friend Lilly decided to migrate from Israel to New York to join her  future husband Ned, whom she likewise met online.

I am one of the happiest people on earth when I heard all the wonderful news about her big decision. And now that she's settled and all, I can't help but wish that the same thing would happen to us also... soonest I hope.

So for you cybercouple out there, who are in a similar situation as I am now, don't heed the naysayers. Just follow your heart. If it's fate that decides, no canon could ever get in the way. But of course, as in the case of any other relationships, the guidance of the Lord above is necessary to make the bond overseas stronger. Pray continuously... pray faithfully that the love will progress despite of the distance and all other difficulties.

Yesterday morning, my very sweet significant other showed me a portrait of a lovely woman. I merely glanced at it and expressed my admiration for his talent, but deep inside I was a little "jealous" that he spent time painting someone else's portrait. Bleh. I won't justify my actions, as it's but natural that I get jealous from time to time despite my boyfriend's assurance that I am the only one he loves. Oh wells, I am a womand and a woman is entitled to feel whatever she feels whenever she feels like feeling it. *Snicker*

However, when he told me that it was I whom he painted, I was pleased endlesly. Of course, I dared not show him that ear to ear grin, thus giving him the impression that I wasn't pleased at all with his work. I'm just too elated I guess to admit that I'm flattered to high heavens. It isn't everyday that somebody paints your portrait. Wee! What makes it more special is that it was done by someone I know who really really loves me and whose talent touches this rather itinerant heart. 

Well, the painting isn't done yet but I am so proud to post it here. Already! I will post the finish product when it's done.

Before BF came to visit me here in Korea last December, I was so full of apprehension. Never did in my sordid head would I expect this relationship to get that far. I was agitated, confused, excited for weeks; the words are just not enough to express what I was going through then. I dared not tell the boyfriend that I didn't eat for some days because of "excitement". After he left, everything fell in its right places. I was more convinced then that he's the one. BUT, there's still this big BUT; at the back of my head, a nagging knock of doubt keeps coming back. I tried to push doubt at the back of my cerebrum as far as I could but in vain.

I should say that after some months I am still convalescing from what I went through before he came here. When he told me that I have to print form G-325A  and fill up the necessary info, I was jubilant. I can't believe this is happening. However, the news that he is actually starting to file for the fiance visa sounded more like something dreadful to me. Is it not strange that I perceived it that way?

For some days, I stared at the form which seemed to me holds the rest of my future. Each time I try to position the pen infront of the Last Name box, my fingers tremble. A looming threat of the unknown would besiege me. I get upset because I didn't like what was happening to me. There were moments that I gaze at the form and lost track of time. I knew that filling it up, sending it back to the boyfriend means things will be set in motion; that everything will soon change. We will no longer spend hours talking online and on phone; we will no longer be watching each other fall asleep through webcams.  And the knowledge that sooner we will be together simply disconcerted me a lot.

For reasons unknown to me, panic attacks started to ruin my days. I tried not to  talk to anyone about it but I know that I have to let it all out now. I didn't mention any of this to the boyfriend either whom I talked to every nite, and almost every waking hours when we are both not working. I was afraid to tell him, as I was scared to give him the wrong impression. Lately, I got so annoyed with what was happening inside me, I wanted to kill myself for acting like a retard. I am aggravated with the fact that I don't know what is exactly am feeling. Once again, I am confused, agitated and excited to a certain degree that I can not comprehend. This phenomena going on inside my head, my soul, my body, is greek to me. Remind me to call the doctor ASAP!

I promised the boyfriend that I am going to send the documents within this week, but I guess he knows by now that I am procrastinating. There's so much tension building inside me that I don't know which is which. I am beginning to doubt also the sanity of his intentions, which by heavens, is so unfair as I do know how much he loves me. And God knows that I love him with all my heart and that I want to spend the rest of my old age with him and only him.

Tonight as I attempted to fill up the form again, the despicable sense of euphoria, of something foreign once again tarried over.  I know that I am just tired from having classes almost the whole day.  I know that it's not doubt or mistrust on the love of my significant other. I know that the root cause of it all is ME, my refusal to accept the fact that this is REALLY happening.

Once I have filled up the form it would mean that soon, I am not going to be alone anymore; soon, there will be someone that I have to take care of aside from my son; soon, there will be someone I will come home to; soon, I will have to share my bed with someone every night; and soon there will be someone whose opinion I need to seek first before making any huge decisions,  like committing suicide or something. Am I ready for this, having preserved the sanctity of struggling alone for as long as I can remember? Do I really want to be with him or not? Do I want to do this or not? Questions that played in my head over and over again tonite.

Tonite, as I sat down infront of my pc and contemplated on what to write here, I found the answer:  Yes, I am ready for this. "I prayed for him, remember? And God gave him to me." I told myself.

Are you ready hun?

I did crazy things in school. So what else is new? I feel like a drunkard trying to impress the arresting officer by walking like a fashion diva on the sidestreet. But I am not drunk. I am not intoxicated. I guess, this is just another set of lamentation that needs to be sorted out.

Perhaps I should call  it hang-over? Read the full story.

So this is it. After a week of whirlwind walks and talks with the boyfriend, I am now back again to myself, all alone, feeling desolated as ever. After all that has been said and done, I have no other recourse now but to go back to my normal life. Hate it or not, life will have to continue running now. However, I must say that life now has become even more colorful. I doubt if there's a painter alive who could ever mix the kind of hues I am seeing right now.

Yesterday, I did not want to go to school. I did not want to face the challenge of teaching English to those kids  whose primordial purpose in life is to torment wretched lovestruck souls like mine. I don't know but I allowed them to play games instead. They insisted for it anyway. I even allowed my fifth graders to play "touch ball" inside the classroom, not minding whether they were hitting the bookshelves, toppling decors above the cabinets, nearly breaking the lamps in the room. I just sat there, mindless of it all. I kept to myself remembering the moments I shared with the boyfriend. There were times that I wanted to cry but I forced myself not to. Crying would be an easy feat, explaining why I am crying to the children would spell t-r-o-u-b-l-e.

He called me as soon as he got the chance. He happily told me that he was able to secure new sets of keys for his car. Sadly, someone stole his coat while he was still in DFW, on his way here. That actually upset him, although a bit, while he was here in Korea. Nevertheless, the sound of his voice, making it safe back home was such a tremendous relief to my worrisome heart. After his call, I tried to get more sleep but could not anymore.

Speaking of sleep, the first night after he left, as I wrote in my earlier entry, was something like an expensive commodity that eluded my empty pockets. It was hard. For five nights, I slept like a baby with his arm tucked under my head. Earlier we talked about sleeping together seemed like a very natural thing to do with each other. It was like something that we have done before, a thousand of times before. I would like to think that perhaps the long talks we had all those times prior to his visit helped alleviate whatever inhibitions we had. We just blended in beautifully.

Going through the motions of doing the usual things that I have to do seemed a little harder now. Like it hasn't been before. I fretted more now, not because I am agitated with his impending visit, but this time, the predicament is more on the restless periods that I have to endure to be with him again, for permanent this time.

Like it or not, I will have to bear the fact that it may take a while before we would be together, but the mere thought that it won't take that long if proper procedures were followed is a mere amusement to my decapitated angsts. I should be inspired with that thought. I should not dwell anymore on the burden of talking to him again online, of seeing his image again via webcam, hearing his cheery voice on the phone. These are all but temporary things. Soon, everything will be permanent. The endless talks we had, the mile long walks, we are now sure that we do have a lifetime together to do that again and again, for as long as it would take.

Thank God for this wonderful man, for the peace of mind, for allowing this great opportunity of knowing and loving him to happen. I never thought that true love could be this serene. I will never change this feeling for anything in the world.

And did you exhange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish you were here.

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,

Running over the same old ground.

What have you found? The same old fears.

Wish you were here.

- Pink Floyd "Wish You Were Here"

He Came

Friday, 2 December 2005. It was almost 5 o'clock in the morning and yet sleep eluded me like a convict who broke out of prison. I wrote to my friends that I was so fidgety and snappy that I don't know what else to do. I woke up around 12 noon, with a splitting headache. Half of me wanted to puke out of suspense, the other half wanting to sprint right away to the airport. I took my sweet time walking back and forth in the house, doing idle things like switching to my pc and the TV, not actually accomplishing anything sane at all.

My motherly room mate prodded me to be in the airport at least two hours before he arrives. Around 2 pm, our cleaning lady pressured me to get ready. I told her that I had to meet my former classmate first before I go to the airport. I got a series of naggings instead - telling me that I should be dressed, that I should be in the airport early, bla bla bla.

Finally at 7:30, I arrived in Incheon International Airport, looked for McDonald's where we agreed to meet. I decided to  have dinner there as I could not remember taking any nutrients the whole day. Probably because of too much agitation, I was able to eat one whole burger (which is a rare occasion, as I rarely finish a burger all by myself), an apple pie, a hot fudge brownie and sundae cone. Yes, more calories to churn the already brewing up tension inside my stomach. I even drank soda, which was like a sacrilege to my diet.

His plane landed at 8:50. I fidgeted in McDo and begun to visit the smoking lounge more often. Came 9:30, I started to panic. I called my friend O and she assured me that since BF told me  he doesn't have much luggage with him, immigration stuff and check out time would probably take a few minutes, which made me assume that he would be out by 9:10.

By 9:50 I was almost dying. Morbid thoughts entered my head. I started to walk back and forth in front of McDo when suddenly a few minutes past 9:55, I saw someone who resembles my boyfriend. It was him. I ran up to him and he embraced me right away. Actually, carried me because I was diminutive compared to his height.

The travel enroute to the hotel where he booked in my favor (it's closer to my apartment) was pretty smooth. Holding his hand while seated in the bus, I thought that everything was just a dream. It was just like a few weeks ago, we were talking about his plans to visit here in Korea. We talked about things that normal couple discussed - things we would do when we get the chance to  be together... this and that. And suddenly, in the comfort of the airport limousine bus, all the doubts, the fears simply evaporated.

It snowed the day he arrived. Mr K told us later on that it is a good sign. A good luck premonition.

He Saw

His first night went well. Although bone tired, we managed to have a decent conversation. The following day we went out to  have brunch and decided that we go to War Memorial Park. I knew he's still pretty tired (he was sleep deprived for more than 30 hours, which made a lot of sense because he flew for almost 13 hours) but nevertheless, that didn't stop him from exploring Seoul. We took lots of pictures.

Came dinner time, we went to meet my good friends, The Kims, who hosted a dinner in honor of his visit. My friend O and her hubby, Mr. K, were so hospitable that I knew BF felt so at home with them. O sent a message later on that she thought BF was a keeper and that I should never let go of him. Likewise, she told me that she and her husband said a little prayer for the both of us that night. There's no doubt that they too loved the BF. BF told me later on that he found the couple dignified, warm, very hospitable and I am lucky to have a family like them in this strange land.

The following days saw us exploring Seoul with gusto while holding hands.

He took shots of the places we visited. We went to a lot of musems and art galleries, places that I so wanted to explore myself (but never got the chance because I was either bored or depressed because I don't have anyone to hold hands with), the Gyeongbok Palace (the seat of power during the early pre-Samsung and Hyundai era), the Namdaemun market (famous for its handcrafted Korean stuff). We also waddled through the mile long stretch from the East Gate (Namdaemun entrance) to Cityhall, to Gwanghamun (where the US Embassy is located, thought he should know where it is, in case of emergency) to King Sejong Memorial Arts Center.

We also watched Harry Potter 4 in Yongsan CGV, the only place I used to hang out before as a loner. At last, after imagining it for some months, I got to experience how it feels to watch a movie with someone I really love, holding my hand or caressing my hair while I leaned on his shoulders during those boring movie scenes.

Trying Korean dish was a very easy feat with him. He loves food and boy he does. An easy person that he is, he gave in to everything I asked him to try: even those octopus kimchi, which was, by the way, taste so incredibly strange that I felt like fainting infront of him.

He Conquered

We had a blast, as he puts it, would be an understatement.

Seeing him in person, realizing that he is as lovable in person as he is online would come short as an oxymoron. He is everything that I dreamt of him to be. Exactly what he said he is. It's a good thing that I never had high expectations of him though. I took his words as a sacred assertion of what I should expect him to be and that made things even greater when we finally met. That, is all that matters and made me love him even more.

He came in Korea, he saw what he needed to see (even saw how clumsy I walk, stumbling here and there). And he, beyond question, conquered my heart, which happened to be a little pickle-minded in the past. Now, I am absolutey sure, he is The One. 

On my way home from the airport, I tried not to cry. As I said earlier, everything was like a dream. In the scorching heat of the winter sun inside the bus, I felt the same way again. Six days and five nights whooshed like lightning. Indeed, time flies so fast when you are having fun.

I tried not to be lonely. I tried to focus on the days that we had, albeit a tad short, we did have a tremendous time together. I also tried not to count on how long it will take for us to permanently spend our lives together. It won't be a while, that is for sure.

I have nothing else to write, probably because my head is still too clouded with the great times that I spent with him. Perhaps I should say:

So, this is how it feels to be truly in love.