08/06/2007
Happy Birthday Angela
Ten years had passed since I had the chance of craddling her in my arms, singing "I Just Don't Wanna be Lonely" out of tune. She never complained. I always remember her hushing from her little tantrums then giving me a sweet be-dimpled smile, short of saying, You rock Mom, whenever I started humming our chosen lullaby.
Rue and I miss you so much Angel. We love you for always. Someday, we will all be together. Mom will sing, you will dance, while big bro Rue will play his guitar. And we will make the crowd who gather to watch us, drop some bills in the can.
Happy birthday beloved daughter. I know you're up there, partying with your fellow angels.
Have fun baby.
20:30 Posted in Loved Ones | Permalink | Comments (8) | Email this | Tags: life, blogging, birthday, daughter
07/14/2007
Momma's Pride
Two nights ago while talking to the son, he suddenly said he's going to play something for me. He mentioned something like "I know these are some of your favorites".
I was very surprised to hear him strum "In The End" and "Faint"* by Linkin Park.
I almost choked in pride. Actually, I cried in the bus. When the son asked me if I like it, I told him that I love it soooo much. I imagined him grin from ear-to-ear, something he does when he's extremely pleased with himself.
I can not believe my ears that the ten year-old boy I left home three years ago, can now play something real other than the first few lines of REM's "The One I Love", which was a favorite when he was about five.
It's too bad that my celphone doesn't have a record feature. It would have been great to share with you guys the very reason why I am slaving myself away here in Korea.
He's growing up fast and I am missing terribly the important years of his life. But it's all worth it... we will be together soon and... I am going to be a future Rockstar Mom. That I am very sure.
*I searched in youtube a similar acoustic intro version of that song. More or less, the son played the intro part like this.
**Sniff**
01:20 Posted in Loved Ones | Permalink | Comments (6) | Email this | Tags: life, journal, music, son, pride
04/14/2007
Missing Rue...
My sister and her daughter, Mariella, left early this morning for Sweden. God knows when they will be back again. Mom told me that Mariella cried a lot and abrutply embraced her "kuya" Rue and told him that she will be missing him badly.
They practically grew up together, under the guidance of their grandparents, for my sister and I both have to work hard to make our children's lives better. Rue and Mariella were never that close: my son always picks on her; she, on the other hand would call my son names. They fought like cats and dogs. The things they did to show affection to one another.
According to mother, Rue tried his best not to cry. He told Mariella to be a good girl and to always take care of herself. And suddenly, without a warning, I felt this need to just hug him...
18:05 Posted in Loved Ones | Permalink | Comments (4) | Email this | Tags: family, pain, sad, missing, emotions, blog, life
03/11/2007
Prayers For Ally
Friends, let's pray for the success of Ally's major operation. She is one of the greatest persons I met online and I truly wish to meet and dine with her someday.
Ally, hang in there. You will make it. I know that.
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02/23/2007
Chalgayo
Last 21 February, the Giordano family as I fondly call them left Korea for good. My friend O and her family decided to move back to the Philippines and just conduct their business from there. For a while, I was in total chaos. The mere thought that they are not around anymore to guide, support and protect scares the hell out of me. Days prior to their departure, a part of me still won't accept that they are leaving; I was in total denial and utterly depressed. It took me a while to accept the fact that it's about time I stand on my own feet, do the things I have to do on my own, without relying on someone else to ease out things.
I know that it was a hard choice for them to do. It wasn't easy. And it wasn't a paltry effort either to face the coming days without the O I could call anytime I want to help me get out in certain cheesy situations I always manage myself to land into.
I wanted to drown myself more in the puddle of dysporia yet deep inside I know there's a grand reason behind it all. It was God who orchestrated the move of O and her family back to the Philippines; that thought alone gives me tremendous comfort. They're still much around anyway, although this time, it's gonna cost me more calling them just to ask how to get rid of psycho stalkers.
I have the BF who always makes sure I'm okay plus the family back home who always push me to keep going whenever the going gets tough. Everything will be alright -- that am sure. Even if it means I now should start pretending to be mute and deaf when dealing with Koreans who speak in tongues... especially my landlord. Arrgghhhh!!!
From hereon, it's going to be an arduous journey in this foreign soil I now claim as my second home. Already, I feel like am walking with one foot... but I know I will make it. I know that with the Mighty Provider above me, all things are possible.
I'll make it home, too... soon.
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01/21/2007
The Birthday Boy
He is officially a teen-ager today. It seems like only yesterday, he was two years old, holding my hands, asking me if I could please buy that big robot. Now, he's asking permission to go malling with his friends.
My brain is barren for eloquent words to describe the pride I feel for this young man, who's into computer games, guitars and drums (and not girls, thank God!!!). He's always cool and sweet, never fails to send me SMS just to say, "Take care mom". I look forward to hugging this big boy-- the main reason why I am kicking and going despite of all the trials I have to face each day.
Happy birthday son! Mommy misses you so much.
I don't know where
The time has gone
Since those little boy days
Doesn't seem that long...
~ Mikki Viereck "A Song For My Son"
15:20 Posted in Loved Ones | Permalink | Comments (9) | Email this | Tags: son, family, life, loved ones
12/29/2006
"Junior"
Written on December 22, his birthday.
That's how everybody knows him. To his children and grandchildren, he is "Tatay".
Today he celebrated his 60th birthday. Today, he is officially retired from ATi, where he first started as a stevedore almost 35 years ago. He retired a gangster boss, a position he held with fierce dedication and honesty.
He was employee of the year for several consecutive years. A model employee to the truest sense that he never saw any reason for missing work even when the whole Manila is flooded. No force majeure, coup d' etat or bomb threats could make him stay at home. He'd go to work even on weekends, for overtime pay. Not just because he has six children to feed, it's more like the dedication to the job that he valued so much. And that's why it always broke his heart before whenever his eldest shifts from one job to the other in just a snap of a finger. He got used to it eventually. Ha ha!
I grew up seeing most of him on weekends only. He's up and gone to work by the time I woke up and home by the time I have gone to bed. He seldom speaks to us when we were younger, not because he did not have time, but I guess, he was at a loss to say something that we'd dig back then. I dunno. I am not sure. He seldom scolded his children for whatever misdemeanor they have committed. They wouldn't hear a thing... no nagging (my mom takes care of that), instead we'd get this look, a look enough to make even Yoda quiver in fear. He's a man of few words that whenever he has something to say, even the crickets pause to listen.
Although he didn't spend that much quality time with us before, he never failed to instill in our young minds values and wisdom, which molded us to be the kind of person we are now. I still remember vividly one of the greatest things he taught us: "To live simply is not fate, it is a benefit."
Today, everyone toasted and drank to their hearts content while he sneaked out to the neighbors to play tong-its (Filipino version of gin rummy). He's never an anti-social but just like me (I guess I got it from him), he gets bored pretty easily that no amount of beer can hold him down if boredom attacks. He just gotta do something far more interesting. And these days, tong-its is one of those amusing things that keeps him entertained...that, and looking after my son, whom he treats more like as his very own.
I miss him so much. He may not be the perfect father, but for me, he is the GREATEST FATHER/GRANDFATHER on earth.
I love you Tatay.
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12/17/2006
YES...
I will marry you
here
and in the after life
not just once
but
for
as many times
as you want me to...
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12/07/2006
Prayers
The boyfriend met with the lawyer who will assist us in securing my visa, that we may be together, very soon.
I ask everyone's prayers to help us in beseeching God's glory that our hearts' desire be fulfilled.
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11/04/2006
And They Live Happily Ever...
My beautiful sister and Hakan tied the knot last 28 October. I tried not to cry. I didn't. Not until I called them after the party. My college bestfriend was there. She told me how everyone was moved by the speech I wrote which a cousin read. I tried not to cry while we were talking.
I am trying not to... again. Not even when I was chatting with my sister earlier and she sent some of the raw pictures which my youngest brother took.
There's no sense crying that much. I should be happy for my sister who found happiness in the arms of somebody who knows how to treat her right. I am assured now that she's in good hands.
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09/28/2006
Wedding Blues
Okay, it's not me. I'm not the one getting married... not yet. It's my sister. But the thing is, I feel so useless for not being able to help her out. I am like, hello, so totally incapable of doing anything worthy.
And it so happened that last night I dreamt about my sister's wedding. The garden was daintily decorated and all our relatives were there. I saw that everyone's happy and they're& so anticipating my sister's entrance. After she marched down the aisle, I likewise made my equally stunning entrance. But abruptly, as soon as the guests saw me arrived, they all rose to leave. What the heck?!!! I woke up with a f*&^%&d up feeling. And realized that I am having a little fever. Was it just a dream or mere hallucination?
Ironically, when I logged in tonight, I saw that my sister left some offline messages in messenger. She mentioned something like she wished am home to help her out. She's so stressed out. There's just so much to prepare with so little time.
I cried and felt sorry after reading her messages. That's the least I could do for now.
*bridal gown courtesy of Monique Lhuillier 2006 collection
01:00 Posted in Loved Ones | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: weddings, dreams, hallucinations, stress
08/06/2006
We Will Miss You Tita
The mere thought of death drives me to a series of ambiguous emotions. I am not sure if I am ready to face my creator yet. I know I am but always, for the sake of my love ones, I would say no, not yet. Death is one of those topics that I refuse to dwell on as much as I can. It's just too much for me to talk about.
Today, my paternal aunt Sony passed away. It was a disturbing news to read upon turning on my pc. Months ago she was diagnosed to have a cancer, a malady which runs in the family. For that reason alone, I was not able to concentrate in the church. Thus, after the service, I asked our pastor to pray for her departed soul. Althought it gave me a temporary relief, I still can't shake off the feeling of anxiety that enveloped my being as soon as I read my mom's text message.
It was so sudden, so unexpected. She was supposed to get better but she refused to undergo chemotheraphy. My sister told me that she was reduced to a state of skeleton and skin. She was hopeless to look at. However, last nite before I went to bed I prayed fervently that she should be given a longer life. She still very young at the age of 60 to pass away. But as the Lord's will is to be done, she was taken too soon. She has yet to accept Jesus Christ as her personal saviour, which saddened me even more.
There's nothing I could do now but pray for her departed soul.
Paler, not quite so fair as in her life,
She lies upon the bed, perfectly still;
Her little hands clasped with a patient will
Upon her bosom, swelling without strife;
An honoured virgin, a most blameless wife.
The roses lean upon the window sill,
That she trained once; their sweets the hot air fill,
And make the death-apartment odour-rife.
Her meek white hands folded upon her breast,
Her gentle eyes closed in the long last sleep,
She lieth down in her unbroken rest;
Her kin, kneeling around, a vigil keep,
Venting their grief in low sobs unrepressed: —
Friends, she but slumbers, wherefore do ye weep?
- Christina Rosetti
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She Should Have Been...
She should have been nine years old today, playing barbie dolls with cousins Mariella and Cheska. She should have been in third grade today, doing her homework while her brother pesters her with annoying brotherly stuff. She should have been having a party today, with her grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and classmates and friends around her. She should have been opening her birthday gifts now, while giggling in glee.
She should have been what a nine year old girl with curly hair should be-healthy, full of life, full of dreams and aspirations of what she would become when she gets older.
She should have been making proud of me now, but no, that was just my wishful thinking. All about her is now a fragment of my memory. A memory that I will never let go for as long as I live. And sadly, it is on this day, her special day, that a dear aunt, who succumbed to the cancer of ovary, had to pass away to join her in heaven.
My dearest Angela, take care of Grandma Aunt Sonny. She might need some guidance in that new place she had just ventured to. I am sure you two are happy and that you are looking down to us, those who love you so much, with peace and love in your hearts.
Happy birthday baby.
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05/09/2006
Guitar Man
After what seemed to be an eternity, I was able to talk to Rue finally. My phone got busted and I never had time to go to the service center. Blah. Blah. Although I still can not receive and send text messages as the screen is virtually blank, I can now make and receive calls. Yay!
Of course, my beloved boy told me that he missed me a lot and that his "birdie" is now healing. I was tempted to tell him not to please have sex without any girls yet. Waaa! But I didn't want to gross out my son so I bit my tongue and just told him how my days are without him. I am so in denial that he is now a budding man. Whatever!
We had a little chit chat about this and that, and then, my son, known for being straight to the point, told me that he wants a guitar. He wants to play the electric guitar that his father left him but he needs to take some lessons first. Upon hearing this, I wanted to scream "Yay! Am going to be the mom of a future famous rock star! Yipeee!"
Then unconsciously, my head wandered off to the future; seeing myself as a roadie. Err, I think I would look too old to be a roadie. How about a groupie? No? I changed the scenario. I'm the manager. Ewww, why do I have this evil feeling that as their manager, my son fired me?
Heck, I told my son that as long as he promises to study really hard, I am going to send him the dough to buy a guitar. Of course, the young Joe Satriani wanna be swear to high heavens he will study a lot more. He even said "I swear Mom, I will study a hundred times more everyday!" I didn't really understand why he giggled after he said that.
Wait... what if Rue does become a Rock Star? Will I be allowed to hang out with my son? Hmmm... I will have to plan this. And the outfits befitting to the royal matriarch of a rock star. Yes, I should start planning as early as now.
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05/03/2006
And Rue is Now Circumcised!
Unlike most boys around the world who are cut upon birth, Filipino boys usually have their birdies circumcised at the age of 12, or before entering highschool at least. And today my big boy was circumcised. Yay! I hope when my son reads this in the future (if ever he will have the chance to do so. har har har har!), he won't be upset that I am announcing this milestone in his prepubescent life to the whole world.
How I wish I am home to taunt him (the oldies back home pick on boys who had just been circumcised, much to the dismay of the young men). How I wish also that I was there to give him support or whatever. Tatay (my father) accompanied him to the doctors, but I guess my son would have loved it if Mom is around also.
My sister told me Rue got upset when he peed and wetted his pants. Now, this is one of those things in my son's life that I missed, which I know I would never be able to recall and witness again ever. He is no longer my sweet baby boy. He entered another phase, a prerequisite to manhood and I feel so bad and can only wish that I am there to guide him all the time, all the way. I can only keep praying that God will bless him each and every day, that he may choose the right path and be a good man someday.
Now, the little worry that I am going to be a grandmother soon haunts me again. I dunno why I keep fretting about it. Am I being paranoid? Knock on wood! Puhhleezzzzzzzzzz!!!
Does this mean that my son is going to masturbate soon? Arrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
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04/21/2006
Birthday Coupons
It's already the 20th of the month, but I still got a late birthday treat, a birthday card (please click to see the card) from my son. I was so super dooper thrilled that I forgave the mailing system here in Korea immediately. My sister told me that she mailed both cards, the other one from my parents (the first ever in my entire life), at the same time but I got the first card a week ago, just a few days after my birthday. I realized that it was probably the misspelling in my name that caused the delay. Whatever.
However simple it was, the card truly made my day. It is one of those things that lifted me up so high that I didn't care less whether I'd get hit by a speeding car or truck, I just kept reading and re-reading the card during the tube ride till I actually arrived in school. Never mind that my boss didn't release my salary today. Never mind that I took the wrong bus going home and I ended up spending almost two hours travelling back home. All these little nuisances don't bother me at all today. I got a birthday card from my dearest beloved son. This is one of those little gestures that my boy does which makes me so thankful that I have a son like him. And that, is all that matters for now.
The card has redeemable coupons at the back which made it even more special. I can't wait to tell my son that I am so looking forward to redeeming the "Five Animal Noises". I giggled myself to death in the subways imagining my son's look while he does those funny animal noises he was so fond of experimenting before when he was younger. Err, is it still okay to ask a budding teen-ager to do silly stuff like that? I will have to ask him myself. Teehee.
I miss Rue soooooooooooo much!
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03/28/2006
One Leap to Manhood
Yesterday, 26 March 2006, my only child, Rue graduated from grade school. I promised him some eons ago that mommy will be home for his graduation. Sadly though I didn't fulfill my pledge. I wasn't able to go home for a lot of reasons. Suffice to say that my son wasn't too happy when he heard of this very unfortunate news.
Weeks before the commencement date, we had another heart-wrenching conversation. As I was trying to outline my justfication for not making it on his graduation day, he told me that he wants me home because he misses me badly. Little did he know that I miss him more than ever. Just like that and I broke down and cried myself to death before I eventually drifted to sleep.
Yesterday, as witnessed in the pictures that my sister sent me, my son didn't look too happy in his toga. It broke my heart again that I was not there to pin his loyalty award medal. It saddened me to think that it will be a while before we will be together again. It pained me that it will be several days and months before we would enjoy each other's company again. It will be a while I know, but Rue and I will be together again... for good. That much I know. Just the thought of it makes me happy already.
Now as I reflect on the fact that my son is going to highschool in two months time, I can't help but panic. Not that I worry about his school fees or anything. It's beyond that. I know that going through this pubescent period would be very difficult for someone whose only parent is so far away from him. I try not to worry as I know that God will always be there to guide the two of us. There are some moments though that I can't help but wonder what would happen next, now that he's going to be a teen-ager soon.
Grade school graduation for now. Before I knew it, he will be off to baccalaureate mass. After that, wedding then baptismal of my first grandchild. Accckk... Isn't it too soon to worry?
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10/29/2005
Mother
I originally posted this last 2 February 2005. One of my earliest entries. It was Mom's birthday yesterday, 28 October so I guess I must honor her by reposting this.
I don't know why I suddenly felt like writing about Nanay (Filipino term for mother). Maybe I miss her so much. I miss her cooking, especially now that I don't get to eat much decent food. I miss her sinigang, adobo, pinakbet, ginisang monggo and all the other stuff she forces us to eat.
Nanay, to her children and grandchildren is more popularly known as "Aling Letty" ("aling" is a colloquial term for older married women or "Ajumma" for Koreans). She is your typical mother - loving, caring, understanding, doting and nagging.
Despite of her major flaw (you guessed it right!), Nanay is the most wonderful creature on earth for us, her 6 children, whom she raised in a democratic manner. She taught us a lot of things, some of which, I can no longer remember (Hehehe! Sorry Nay!). One thing though that I can never forget is: "always do what we have to do, no matter how disconcerting it is for other people, for it is what we think of ourselves that matters the most." (So you all know now why I am like this.)
Nanay's most endearing trait, aside from her being a notorious nag, is her great sense of whining. Boy! Can she whine a lot! She whines 24 hours a day! Her day will simply not be complete without whining. Why, she even whines about the poor angel fish. "She doesnt do anything the whole day in that aquarium but swim!!!"
It's not that my mother is a dork. She's just it. She just likes to whine, perhaps to amuse herself or to taunt others. Nevertheless, her whinings endeared her more to my father. They are married for almost 36 years now and Tatay still loves her despite of that not so lovable grouchiness.
Mother's peevishness about anything makes us her kids nervous particularly during special occasions, like birthdays or Christmas, when gift giving is a must. Arrrgghhhhh...
Nanay usually announces what she likes to get during Christmas. Let me share with you that dreadful Christmas I forgot what she wanted. I was so busy with a lot of stuff that time. Despite of constant reminder from my son, I forgot what Nanay wanted. I saw a lovely summer dress in a mall, and opted to buy it for her.
Christmas day. She was not smiling when she opened my gift. I knew then I am in big trouble. Time for the FBI interrogation. I braced myself for the worst. I can't remember exactly the course of the conversation. But since, this is her usual routine, let me illustrate how the confrontation went on.
Mom: San mo binili to? (Where did you buy this?)
Me: Sa SM po.
Mom: Ano???? Sa SM lang??? Samantalang mga damit ninyo sa mga Guess? ninyo binibili!!! (What? You bought your gift for me in SM? You buy your clothes in Guess?!)
Me: Maganda naman po eh. (But it's pretty.)
Mom: Magkano bili mo? (How much is this?)
Me: Mura lang (It's cheap.)
Mom: Naka! Pustahan tayo sobrang mura lang nito! Masususot ko ba to sa bingo? (Am sure this is so cheap! Can I wear this while playing bingo?)
You see, if I told her the real price of the dress, the conversation won't end. It would prosper into something like: "You should have not bought a dress this expensive! You should have given me the money instead!"
I can't recall how the questioning ended. But I remember vividly wanting to grab the dress back and running to the nearest SM mall to ask for a refund.
This is Nanay's little way of appreciating a gift. She would bitch a lot first, throw complaints here and there, but after that, you would see her lovingly folding the dress. She would stack it neatly in her already crowded closet. And she would say that the dress is so lovely, she will wear it on a special occasion.
Nanay's most charming vice is her fancy for teledrama. At 6:30 pm, the living room television is hers. Everyone will not bother her. Not even my father's arrival from work will not remove mother from her favorite soap. Not even the Queen of England can bother mother. No one, just no one will ever dare ask her anything while she is watching TV. Or else...
Anyhow, mother's penchance for soap opera was almost annihilated one day.
It happened Sunday, I think. (Usually every weekends, my siblings and their families gather in my parent's house for free food and weekend lodging.) A few Sundays before I left for Korea. We were watching some news about kidnappings when one of my brothers joked: "If someone will kidnap Nanay, I will pay that person not to return her anymore!" Everyone laughed. We thought it was funny. But mother thought otherwise. We noticed her sitting silently at the foot of the stairs, tears rolling down her cheeks while she was folding some laundry.
Admonitions began flying in the air. Everyone pinched my stupid brother. I, being the eldest in the family, felt compelled to take control of the situation. I don’t know what got into me, but I asked mother: "Nanay, are you on drugs?"
My mother wailed louder! "How could you ask me that? Que stupida! I don't even know what drugs look like!"
That was the end of my career as her daughter. Curses were thrown in my direction. If stares could kill, all 5 pairs of angry eyes could have caused my death.
Then mother began her litany. "How could you all make fun of me when I do nothing but give you the best from that time that I gave birth to all of you? I scrimped hard to give you comfort and convenience, and this is what I get? Bla...bla..bla…"
(That is her usual litany. I could go on and on and on. But I won't bore you anymore with that.)
Anyway, at this point, my father who was silently reading some paper in the dining room, stood up and yelled: "No more Korean teledrama for this woman! Everybody out of my house now!!!"
My siblings and I with our kids sprinted out of the house. We knew then that a nuclear bomb is about to be dropped.
A few hours after, we went back to the house. We saw mother happily playing bingo in the garage with the neighbors. Upon seeing us, she just tilted her chin and snorted: "Oi, senyoritos and senyoritas! Your dinner is ready. Don't bother me here."
Of course, we already had dinner at McDo. But we didn't want to upset mother once more so we stuffed our already full stomach with her delicious cooking.
As for father, I don’t know what he did or said to mother. I suspect that he threatened to ground her for watching too much soap operas. Maybe. Nobody knows to this date.
My mother, despite of her occasional melodramatic animosity, her admirable naggings, her partiality for teledrama, is still the greatest woman in the universe for me. It's not only because she scrimped and saved to give us the best in life. It's because, years ago, she made her greatest sacrifice for me. She declined a managerial promotion, opted for an early retirement, settled down at home to take care of my young son, so that I, her not-so-wise-sometimes daughter, can have a career.
Sigh...I really miss Nanay...
2 February 2005
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