The Wandering Deity's World

Ten years had passed since I had the chance of craddling her in my arms, singing "I Just Don't Wanna be Lonely" out of tune. She never complained. I always remember her hushing from her little tantrums then giving me a sweet be-dimpled smile, short of saying, You rock Mom, whenever I started humming our chosen lullaby.

Rue and I miss you so much Angel. We love you for always. Someday, we will all be together. Mom will sing, you will dance, while big bro Rue will play his guitar. And we will make the crowd who gather to watch us, drop some bills in the can.

Happy birthday beloved daughter. I know you're up there, partying with your fellow angels.

Have fun baby.

Two nights ago while talking to the son, he suddenly said he's going to play something for me. He mentioned something like "I know these are some of your favorites".

I was very surprised to hear him strum "In The End" and "Faint"* by Linkin Park.

I almost choked in pride. Actually, I cried in the bus. When the son asked me if I like it, I told him that I love it soooo much. I imagined him grin from ear-to-ear, something he does when he's extremely pleased with himself.

I can not believe my ears that the ten year-old boy I left home three years ago, can now play something real other than the first few lines of REM's "The One I Love", which was a favorite when he was about five.

It's too bad that my celphone doesn't have a record feature. It would have been great to share with you guys the very reason why I am slaving myself away here in Korea.

He's growing up fast and I am missing terribly the important years of his life. But it's all worth it... we will be together soon and... I am going to be a future Rockstar Mom. That I am very sure.

*I searched in youtube a similar acoustic intro version of that song. More or less, the son played the intro part like this.

**Sniff**

My sister and her daughter, Mariella, left early this morning for Sweden. God knows when they will be back again. Mom told me that Mariella cried a lot and abrutply embraced her "kuya" Rue and told him that she will be missing him badly.  

They practically grew up together, under the guidance of their grandparents, for my sister and I both have to work hard to make our children's lives better. Rue and Mariella were never that close: my son always picks on her; she, on the other hand would call my son names. They fought like cats and dogs. The things they did to show affection to one another.

According to mother, Rue tried his best not to cry. He told Mariella to be a good girl and to always take care of herself. And suddenly, without a warning, I felt this need to just hug him...

Friends, let's pray for the success of Ally's major operation. She is one of the greatest persons I met online and I truly wish to meet and dine with her someday.

Ally, hang in there. You will make it. I know that.

Last 21 February, the Giordano family as I fondly call them left Korea for good. My friend O and her family decided to move back to the Philippines and just conduct their business from there. For a while, I was in total chaos. The mere thought that they are not around anymore to guide, support and protect scares the hell out of me. Days prior to their departure, a part of me still won't accept that they are leaving; I was in total denial and utterly depressed. It took me a while to accept the fact that it's about time I stand on my own feet, do the things I have to do on my own, without relying on someone else to ease out things.

I know that it was a hard choice for them to do. It wasn't easy. And it wasn't a paltry effort either to face the coming days without the O I could call anytime I want to help me get out in certain cheesy situations I always manage myself to land into.  

I wanted to drown myself more in the puddle of dysporia yet deep inside I know there's a grand reason behind it all. It was God who orchestrated the move of O and her family back to the Philippines; that thought alone gives me tremendous comfort. They're still much around anyway, although this time, it's gonna cost me more calling them just to ask how to get rid of psycho stalkers. 

I have the BF who always makes sure I'm okay plus the family back home who always push me to keep going whenever the going gets tough. Everything will  be alright -- that am sure. Even if it means I now should start pretending to be mute and deaf when dealing with Koreans who speak in tongues... especially my landlord. Arrgghhhh!!!

From hereon, it's going to be an arduous journey in this foreign soil I now claim as my second home. Already, I feel like am walking with one foot... but I know I will make it. I know that with the Mighty Provider above me, all things are possible. 

I'll  make it home, too... soon.

He is officially a teen-ager today. It seems like only yesterday, he was two years old, holding my hands, asking me if I could please buy that big robot. Now, he's asking permission to go malling with his friends.

My brain is barren for eloquent words to describe the pride I feel for this young man, who's into computer games, guitars and drums (and not girls, thank God!!!). He's always cool and sweet, never fails to send me SMS just to say, "Take care mom". I look forward to hugging this big boy-- the main reason why I am kicking  and going despite of all the trials I have to face each day.

Happy birthday son! Mommy misses you so much.

I don't know where
The time has gone
Since those little boy days
Doesn't seem that long...

~ Mikki Viereck "A Song For My Son"

Written on December 22, his birthday.

That's how everybody knows him. To his children and grandchildren, he is "Tatay".

Today he celebrated his 60th birthday. Today, he is officially retired from ATi, where he first started as a stevedore almost 35 years ago. He retired a gangster boss, a position he held with fierce dedication and honesty.

He was employee of the year for several consecutive years. A model employee to the truest sense that he never saw any reason for missing work even when the whole Manila is flooded. No force majeure, coup d' etat or bomb threats could make him stay at home. He'd go to work even on weekends, for overtime pay. Not just because he has six children to feed, it's more like the dedication to the job that he valued so much. And that's why it always broke his heart before whenever his eldest shifts from one job to the other in just a snap of a finger. He got used to it eventually. Ha ha!

I grew up seeing most of him on weekends only. He's up and gone to work by the time I woke up and home by the time I have gone to bed. He seldom speaks to us when we were younger, not because he did not have time, but I guess, he was at a loss to say something that we'd dig back then. I dunno. I am not sure. He seldom scolded his children for whatever misdemeanor they have committed. They wouldn't hear a thing... no nagging (my mom takes care of that), instead we'd get this look, a look enough to make even Yoda quiver in fear. He's a man of few words that whenever he has something to say, even the crickets pause to listen.

Although he didn't spend that much quality time with us before, he never failed to instill in our young minds values and wisdom, which molded us to be the kind of person we are now. I still remember vividly one of the greatest things he taught us: "To live simply is not fate, it is a benefit."

Today, everyone toasted and drank to their hearts content while he sneaked out to the neighbors to play tong-its (Filipino version of gin rummy). He's never an anti-social but just like me (I guess I got it from him), he gets bored pretty easily that no amount of beer can hold him down if boredom attacks. He just gotta do something far more interesting. And these days, tong-its is one of those amusing things that keeps him entertained...that, and looking after my son, whom he treats more like as his very own.

I miss him so much. He may not be the perfect father, but for me, he is the GREATEST FATHER/GRANDFATHER on earth.

I love you Tatay.

I will marry you

here

and in the after life

not just once

but

for

as many times

as you want me to...

The boyfriend met with the lawyer who will assist us in securing my visa, that we may be together, very soon.

I ask everyone's prayers to help us in beseeching God's glory that our hearts' desire be fulfilled.

My beautiful sister and Hakan tied the knot last 28 October. I tried not to cry. I didn't. Not until I called them after the party. My college bestfriend was there. She told me how everyone was moved by the speech I wrote which a cousin read. I tried not to cry while we were talking.

I am trying not to... again. Not even when I was chatting with my sister earlier and she sent some of the raw pictures which my youngest brother took.

There's no sense crying that much. I should be happy for my sister who found happiness in the arms of somebody who knows how to treat her right. I am assured now that she's in good hands.